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Coveteur Crystal Ball: 2014 Met Gala Predictions

A totally legitimate preview of the world’s coolest costume party.

Call it the Wintour Olympics. 

Vogue’s annual fashion face-off, masquerading under the guise of celebrating the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute (let’s be real: while we love ourselves the decadent gowns on the exhibition mannequins, gala night it is really about what’s on Emma Watson), is next week—and the rumor mill’s already churning around what will go down this year. That’s right. Here comes the Met Gala.

Not only has the night been the birthplace of such cultural phenomena as the Kim Kardashian Kouch meme, but with its iron fist dress code and ever-growing exclusivity, it never fails to live up to our expectations—and by that, of course, we mean Page Six-worthy blog fodder, slideshows upon slideshows of to-die-for attire, and the inevitable special someone who blabs post-gala that it actually wasn’t that fun (aaaand banned). 

What’ll it be this year? A Met Ball first-timer who dares to ignore the theme (gasp!)? A feline frequenter? An impromptu wedding on the front steps?

Our Met forecast for 2014? Rowdy with a chance of CHANEL. 

We wouldn’t be surprised if, what with Anna’s rumored new exclusivity clause, a certain member of the Kardashi-klan gets left off the list (cough, Kris Jenner). We’re guessing she’ll find a way to get in (we mean we’re talking a reality TV pioneer here, kids, where nothing is impossible)—whether it’s sneaking in through a window or arriving as a certain rapper’s plus one. It worked for Kim, right? 

And speaking of claws coming out, Choupette Lagerfeld will become the first four-legged Met Ball guest—complete with an entourage of bodyguards and handlers. Cue red carpet catfight when an unnamed A-list actress who was supposed to be wearing CHANEL shows up in Valentino instead. 

As for the dress code, we have a feeling that select members of the guest list may not be able to live up to Wintour’s (and Charles James’) lofty ”white tie and decorations” expectations. As in, they may have a different interpretation of what “decorations” really mean—like Kanye and Riccardo Tisci arriving in matching $3000 couture sweatshirts, or Phoebe Philo showing up in Stan Smiths, trousers and a black turtleneck. (What Kanye wants, Kanye gets. Ditto for Philo.) And instead of the standard Mani Cam? Our favorite Insta-loving stars will flock to the official #SelfieStation set up beside the red carpet, while Anna looks on in disapproval (“Having the word ‘selfie’ on the cover of Vogue was one thing. But this, I did not okay.”).

Meanwhile, over in the land of the twenty-something multi-hyphenates, a member of the GIRLS cast (we’re not naming names…) is overheard asking who Charles James is (and just in case you’re in the same boat—for shame!—the American couturier is the subject of this year’s exhibit). Taylor Swift tries to contain the tension while struggling to choose which of her fashion besties to sit next to—Lorde, Lena or Karlie?! (Keep an ear out for her new single, “Teardrops on my Dior.”) 

Other predicted highlights include a surprise appearance by FLOTUS Michelle Obama (flanked by a tuxedo-clad security detail), which means there’s also a surprise metal detector to walk through mid-red carpet—shoe removal mandatory. Katy Perry’s gunmetal headdress and Rita Ora’s Philipp Plein spike cluster ring are confiscated. Chaos ensues.

And last but not least, because they couldn’t possibly let such an occasion slip by without a dash of stuntin’: Kim and Kanye. Our bet? They step out of the limo in full wedding get-up and perform impromptu nuptials on their way into the gala (this one we can totally get behind—the guest lists and price tags are probably pretty much the same anyway). No matter what goes down come May 5th, we expect Kimye have something up their sleeves—which, for the love of baby North, we hope do not extend into floral gloves this time around.

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