By Tommy Ton

Happy Birthday, Anna Wintour!

For the woman who legitimately has everything.

For the love of The September Issue, what on Earth do you get the woman who truly does have everything (and a "work allowance" to buy anything)? If you think your mom is hard to buy for, imagine having Anna Wintour’s birthday on the horizon (or, you know, yesterday’s horizon. Happy belated, Anna!).

Sitting pretty at the helm of the world’s premiere fashion pub? Check. A personal stylist to shear and shape her signature chin-grazing “power bob”? 6:45 AM appointments on the daily! A wardrobe that puts most royalty to shame? Bring it on, Middleton. A little black book brimming with the biggest names in fashion and beyond? Let’s just give Karl a ring, shall we? Or SJP? How about Kanye?

Seeing as past gifts have included tiny tokens such as being appointed an Officer of the Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth II, we’re not sure our offering of “We saw these sunnies on ASOS and totally thought of you!” will be able to hold a candle. Which is why we’re giving Wintour the gift of choice. In an attempt to possibly, maybe dig up something that has yet to be reflected in her opaque lenses or sit ribbon-wrapped and hand-addressed atop her Vogue desk.

A set of Blahnik spikes or a glittering statement necklace to add to her extensive collection? A sleek, double-C emblazoned CHANEL tennis racket for her morning matches against André Leon Talley? How about yet another tweed topper to drape over her shoulders (may we suggest this Oscar de la Renta shawl-collared confection)? Or, something more along the lines of Wintour’s own thoughtful gift-giving? (F.Y.I.: Last year, she presented Mr. de la Renta with a leather-bound book featuring every photo containing one of his pieces to ever appear in Vogue’s pages for his birthday!) Perhaps a donation to one of her philanthropic endeavors, like the CFDA or AIDS charities?

No matter what your pick, just remember to take a cue from these fine purveyors of the Vogue-interview legacy before entering the Wintourian house of worship to drop off your “HBD, AW!” finds. Salty boots, haphazard handbags, and (gasp) bra straps are a no-go, even if you do come bearing gifts.

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