It may be the most wonderful time of the year, but with all of the questionable trends flying around, we don’t know whether to trust our instincts (mustard-yellow fur muff—yay or nay?) or enlist a harsher critic.
Solution? If anyone would give us an honest review, we knew it would be potty-mouthed private school princess Ja’mie King of Summer Heights High fame. So in the spirit of London Fashion Week, we got everyone’s favorite hair-flipping, catchphrase-spewing mean girl to give us the runway goss—the good, the bogan, and the fugly.
Editor's note: The Coveteur does not share or endorse the opinions of Ja'mie King.
PETER PILOTTO: There were these fuzzy purple turtlenecks that covered half the models’ faces that I think would be perfect for people with highly disgusting neck fat. I would also recommend this look to people with cystic acne, although I would make the fur cover the entire face like a Muppet balaclava. I'm going to buy one (or maybe two) of these for that boarder, Erin Walker.
MULBERRY: In unfair life news, Cara Delevingne now has her own handbag. But I can’t even remember what it looked like, because like as soon as she came out on that swing, all I could focus on was her box gap—you know, the three-finger space between her thighs? Anyways, the thing I like Cara is that she’s a total Hillford Girl even though she has man eyebrows. Seriously no offense, but it’s true. I also liked the dogs.
TOM FORD: I normally don’t commingle with the Goths or the emos—this show was a little too Addams Family for me. But I did enjoy ogling the skinniness of the models—very eating disorder-chic. Have I mentioned I’ve been modelling since I was two? I hooked up with a four-year-old on the set of an Osh Kosh B’Gosh catalogue; I've also been way mature for my age.
BURBERRY PRORSUM: Lots of dresses with slits up the sides that were kind of semi-slut, but still looked totally classy because of the, like, Eskimo coats they put on top. I would recommend this look to people with hot legs and fat arms. I can’t decide which was more hot-as—this dress or the majorly arousing spotting of Harry Styles. So. Quiche.
MARY KATRANTZOU: There were these half-pleated, half-slutty skirts that I LOVED. It was like private-school uniform goes clubbing! I like super-tight skirts because you’re always pulling them down, which is proven to draw attention to your bum. Guys love that.
CHRISTOPHER KANE: Boxy massive sweatshirts. Cody, my "GB" (gay best friend, duh) loved this collection. I wonder what Mitchell would think if I wore "Look 35" -- you know, that ja'mazing floral dress thing -- to my party next weekend?
J.W. ANDERSON: Are those origami straightjackets? I can totally see Mr. Hayes wearing on those things.
DOMINIC JONES: Two words: Nudie lookbook. I’m a huge advocate for hot straight people going naked on camera, so this really resonated with me and my moral compass. It’s just been like, you know, like a really really important issue for me since my Skype-tits debacle, so this lookbook was a really powerful metaphor for world equality. Plus you get to see Suki Waterhouse’s bum.
SIBLING: I liked the part when the model almost fell after getting her heels trapped in her povo-doily dress. Amaze.
TOPSHOP UNIQUE: Loved it. Ja’miezing. Like, there was fur everywhere. It was seriously a plushie convention. And Kendall Jenner totally rolled her eyes at me from the frow (front row, duh).
— Chelsey Burnside