Confession: We, The Coveteur, are addicts. Binge-watchers. Consuming episode after episode until we finally pass out at 6 AM. We can count on one hand how many shows have kept our faces glued to our laptop screens, hearts beating faster than at Marc Jacobs sample sale. But this time—you guessed it—we’re talking True Detective.
After we all found out that Rust Cohle and Marty Hart (a.k.a our true loves Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson) wouldn’t be returning for another round, the rumor mill started churning and a meme was born: #TrueDetectiveSeason2. We thought we’d get in on the action with a few suggestions of our own. And then we thought: who better to take on the next Yellow King than our favorite fashion duos? You see where we’re going with this?
Sample plotline: Plagued by a ghostly figure appearing in the background of her Instagrams, Rumi enlists the help of her trusty BFF, Bryanboy. Things get spooky when she starts being targeted on Ask.fm by Carquinoa…a blogger who disappeared 12 years ago. To solve the mystery, the duo embark on a green juice-fueled, multi-national adventure (sponsored by Clinique).
We could also definitely get on board with a Marc Jacobs/Robert Duffy season—accompanied by clue-sniffing sidekick Neville Jacobs, obviously. Or gumshoes Kanye and Riccardo Tisci in a Nike vs. Adidas murder-mystery. (Call it Shoe Detective.) Better yet, there’s been a tragic shopping-cart crash at the Chanel PFW show—but it doesn’t look like an accident. Enter Rihanna and Cara Delevingne, starring in Cleanup in Aisle Double-C. (Can you tell we got a little carried away with these?)
The tantalizing Rust/Marty dynamic won’t be an easy act to follow, but if there’s any pair whose chemistry alone could carry a series, it’s André Leon Talley and Anna Wintour—especially now that André’s left Vogue: dramatic tension abounds! What we wouldn’t give to see them reunite as CSI, reporting from the front row. (Side note: Anna is so totally the elusive Rust Cohle in that relationship.) Expect heated guest appearances from Grace Coddington, an interrogation moderated by Oprah and a whole lot of side-eye.
Another top contender? Beyoncé and Gwyneth Paltrow.
Inspired by true events, Yoncé’s custom-made cobra skin jumpsuit gets seized at the border by airport security, inciting an eight-episode limo chase to rescue the one-of-a-kind artifact before the European leg of her Mrs. Carter tour, with newly-single-lady Gwyneth in tow. Can GP convince her bestie she’s flawless and recover the costume in time? Driver, roll up the partition please—it’s about to get wild.
Okay, okay—last one, we promise. We just couldn’t leave out Jared Leto and Lupita Nyong’o.
Wild-card Jared (clad in drag, because, duh) joins forces with his impossibly photogenic foil, Lupita, when a vengeful Oscar-nominee-who-must-not-be-named starts offing the competition mid-ceremony (murder method of choice—bludgeoning by golden statue). Lupita’s brother has a quick cameo as the suspected perp, but in the end is only charged with stealing the thunder of everyone more famous than he is.
Spoiler alert: The season will be peppered with Thirty Seconds to Mars plugs, but Lupita wins the walk-off.
Nic Pizzolatto, you should call us.