You know that episode of Friends when the girls raid a 50% off sale at Kleinman’s (a play on Kleinfeld, maybe?) in search of Monica’s perfect wedding dress? She comes dressed for battle in sneakers, a hoodie and whistles for Rachel and Phoebe for good measure—it’s a jungle out there, after all—and ends up pinning stiletto-clad b*tches and winning the sale.*
Lesson: Always dress to suppress when it comes to ridiculous discounts, especially when said discounts are being chased by hundreds of thousands of likeminded (read: ruthless) shoppers.
In honor of the official holiday of plastic-swiping, no-shame public-changing, and ignoring everything you were ever told about financial planning, ever, we’ve compiled a set of guidelines on what to wear to battle Black Friday.
Some basic rules:
The lower the heel, the faster you can outrun that blonde with the same sized feet as you sprint to the Manolo Blahnik display. Today is not the day for Pigalles, unless you have a death wish.
Exnay the baggy tops and dangly jewelry—avoid anything that can catch on a rogue hanger as you book it over to miscellaneous department of Barneys (‘I didn’t even know I needed stationary!’).
Pockets. All the pockets. Fill ‘em with sustenance, because who has time to wait in 100-person lineups for a sandwich? Plus, long lines require snacks and ample protein.
Ventilation. Lycra, luon, and Lululemon—treat today like your first 5K, minus the blackout at the finish line. Don’t worry about the beads of perspiration that become your statement accessory after store number eight—Black Friday will not be the day you meet Mr. Right. So sweat, baby, sweat. Think of it as detoxing.
Look at yourself in the mirror, stare deep into your eyes, and repeat after us: I will not have to pee today.
Oh—and we guess you could always skip the whole thing entirely and shop from the comfort of your Equipment pajamas and the warm glow of the NET-A-PORTER sale page.
Now, on your marks, get set...
*Sad truth—we didn’t have to look up any fact in that intro due to complete series memorization and bi-weekly marathoning.
Image Credit - Photo by Craig McDean, styled by Alex White; W Magazine September 2009.